A Welcome From the Author

You’ll find numerous opinions about long distance relationships (LDRs) out there on websites, in books, and even from some “experts.”  Unfortunately, virtually none of these opinions are backed up by any evidence whatsoever.  Long distance relationships are simply too important for separated couples to rely on advice that is at best conjecture and at worst harmful.  There have been many studies looking at long distance couples yet the information gained from these has essentially been ignored – until now.  I’d like to answer the most common questions asked by those in long distance relationships, drawing not just on my own experience of almost a decade in a long distance relationship, but also on ground breaking research, both my own and those of my colleagues who study intimate relationships.  Whenever possible I’ll provide you with the source for any comments I make about long distance relationships.  Hopefully, we can all begin to share some important information about these unique relationships.  I’ve dedicated this book to those couples whose love for one another overcomes the distance between them.

                                                   Greg Guldner, MD, MS

                                                   Author, Long Distance Relationships

About Dr. Guldner

Dr. Gregory Guldner, a graduate of Stanford Medical School and Purdue University’s Clinical Psychology program, is the world’s leading authority on long distance relationships.  He has training in both individual and couples therapy and is the author of the most comprehensive study of long distance relationships ever completed.  A member of the Army Reserve Dr. Guldner also understands the difficulties of relationships separated by military deployment.  He has published over 30 articles in the medical or psychology literature including numerous studies on sexuality, relationships in general, and long-distance relationships in particular.  He combines his scientific expertise, interviews with hundreds of couples in long distance relationships, and his own personal experience into this comprehensive book. 

Dr. Guldner lives in Southern California with his wife, Amy, and black lab, Ranger. 

Frequently Asked Questions About Long Distance Relationships

Do LDRs really work?

This is probably the first question I’m asked when I talk about long distance relationships.  Before we can answer it we have to define what it means for a relationship “to work.”  Most people are interested in whether or not the relationship can simply survive the separation. They want to know if trying a long distance relationship means that they have a greater chance of breaking up than if they were in a geographically close relationship. The most accurate answer to this is that no one knows for sure. However, the majority of studies show no greater risk of a long distance relationship breaking up than any other relationship.

While this is good news, it’s only part of the story. Staying together isn’t always the best thing for a relationship, as we all know. Many relationships should end if those involved are unsatisfied or feel trapped. So another way of looking at whether long distance relationships, or any relationship, “work” is to examine the quality of the relationship. Conveniently, researchers have done just that. In our study we compared those in long distance relationships with those in geographically close relationships. We looked at relationship satisfaction, commitment, intimacy, and trust. We found that on all these measures the two groups were identical. While our study was the largest and most detailed, several other studies have found the same thing.

How often should we visit each other?

This is one of many questions about the demographics of long distance relationships, that is, the easily quantifiable parts such as how far apart couples live, how often they visit or call one another, how long they were together as a geographically close couple prior to having to separate, and so forth.  In the book I break down long distance relationships into four broad areas – demographics, the personality of each person in the couple, the support system for the relationship, and the quality of the relationship itself. (You can answer a questionnaire in the book to define your own long distance relationship’s strengths and weaknesses in each area).  Research has shown clearly that of these four components, demographics has the least to do with the success or failure of a long distance relationship. 

Couples therapists who focus on long distance relationships have understandably suggested frequent face-to-face visits.  Yet when researchers carefully looked at this question, the largest and best designed studies found no relationship between how often couples visited one another and how likely they were to stay together.  I realize that this seems contrary to common sense, so in the book I discuss in more detail each of the studies that looked at this question.  This is one of several insights that research has provided that clashes with the opinions of many “experts.”  The good news is that you should feel free to visit one another however often you can afford to do so. 

Do couples in long distance relationships cheat on one another more frequently?

A common worry among couples in long distance relationships is that their partner (or they themselves) will have an affair while they’re separated.  Common sense suggests that because partners can’t keep an eye on one another they might be more prone to wander. Researchers have examined whether couples in long distance relationships have more affairs than geographically close couples. These studies produced both good news and bad. The good news is that all three studies showed that couples in long distance relationships had no greater risk of having an affair than geographically close couples. It seems that the risk of having an affair is related more to the quality of the relationship between the couple, and the personalities involved, than on mere opportunity.

Now for the bad news: despite what the statistics say, those in long distance relationships worry much more about affairs than those in geographically close relationships. I discuss some ways of dealing with this problem in chapter 19 “Sexual Affairs: While the Cat’s Away the Mice Will Play?”

Is there anything I can do to help ensure that my relationship survives the separation?

This is one of my favorite questions as it gets right to the point for many couples.  There are many practical things that couples in long distance relationships can do right now to greatly increase their chances of having a successful relationship.  I spend a huge amount of time reading websites, articles, and books on long distance relationships and I see hundreds of suggestions for separated couples.  The vast majority are simply speculation, which is fine so long as those that read them understand this.  A few comments such as, “you have to visit each other at least once a month to make it work” are flat out false and potentially quite harmful to couples that can’t afford to do so.  What worries me most is that virtually no source of information on long distance relationships has bothered to put in the time and effort necessary to actually do the research and find the things that we know work.

Let me give a couple of examples.  First, in one of our studies we wanted to know how often couples in long distance relationships talked specifically about what was okay and what was not when it came to dating or seeing other people while they were separated (what we called the “ground rules” for the long distance relationship).  We found that some couples agreed to date other people casually, while others had an agreement not to.  But most strikingly, we found that those couples who simply didn’t talk about this, that is, they never developed ground rules about dating others, had more than twice the chance of breaking up (nearly 70% over six months!) compared to those that had clear ground rules.  So, one practical thing couples can do to substantially increase their chances of a healthy long distance relationship is to be explicit with one another about these dating ground rules.  The impact of doing this one thing is far greater than whether a couple is able to see one another at least once a month!

           A second example:  While you’ll find many opinions about how often to visit or call one another, you rarely hear anything about writing letters.  Two large studies have found that how often couples call or visit has little impact on the relationship.  What does make a BIG difference is how often couples write to one another (and here I mean actual letters not email).  I discuss this more thoroughly in Chapter 15 “Your Secret Weapon: Sending Letters.”  Just doing these two things – discussing dating ground rules and writing letters – already increases your chances of a healthy and happy long distance relationship far more than most of the suggestions I hear for separated relationships. 

            In the book I’ve highlighted over 60 practical tips for couples in a long distance relationship that are supported by research rather than speculation.  I really enjoy reading all of the websites, stories, and articles on long distance relationships and I think it’s great that there are more and more of these available every day.  But I do hope that you’ll use a source such as Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide to help you sort out what we know about long distance relationships from the many opinions out there.

For more answers to your long distance relationship questions, check out the website for The Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships at www.ldrexpert.com. 

Thanks!

Greg